Surviving an Honest and Spiritual Inventory

Everything sounds great, until you actually have to do something. As a procrastinator, I understand the problem.

The first time I went through Celebrate Recovery, the idea of having to write out my life’s hurts, habits and hang-ups sounded easy. However, when I came to Step 4, Inventory – and, had to actually do the work – the 12-Step process didn’t seem so easy after all. I spent a lot of time thinking about how I could weasel my way out of the work; I could see why so many people quit the program, as soon as they came to Step 4.

But, that was how the “old me” looked at everything. Seek the easy way out, and call it done. That’s how I got into so much trouble in the first place…turning to porn, instead of investing in a meaningful relationship with a real person…drinking or drugging, instead of owning my responsibilities…buying into all the lies I had constructed about how life was, in my image, instead of accepting God’s truth.

I was 50 years old and had an extensive list of bad habits I had grooved over time. I was sick of the results. I was not happy with my life. I spent a lot of time fooling myself, in denial, and my double-life was becoming a major burden. I had just lost another promising relationship, because of my porn addiction, and I felt I was running out of options.

Celebrate Recovery was a toss of the dice for me. But, when I got into the program, I realized I was not alone. I saw other men struggling with the same problems I faced, all making the commitment to set one season aside to get things right.

I am chagrined to say that, at the time, I thought I was better than many of them. Yet, here they were, facing up to their mistakes and bowing before God to clear their records, once and for all. I was humbled and inspired. Then, when we came to the 4^th step on inventory, some of the men dropped out of the program. I was determined not to be counted among the “quitters.” I was determined to do what it took, at last, to get my life in order. On paper, person-by-person, event-by-event, memory-by-memory, literally, step-by-step, to see how I got in this place, and finally, set the record straight.

Celebrate Recovery provided me with a framework and support system to get the job done. The questions in the guides opened vistas into my past that had long been closed off. My accountability team and sponsor were there to call me and spur me on. The surviving members of my step group, who were working alongside me, let me know I was not alone. The esprit de corps that ensued actually made the work seem easier.

I set aside an hour here, an hour there, and over the course of several weeks, I managed to, at last, make a full accounting of my life, on paper. My memories were now more than fleeting thoughts. I had truly taken my thoughts “captive.” There they were. On paper. Going nowhere, where I could examine them and address them once and for all.

2 Corinthians 10:5 says, “We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.”

This is what the 4^th Step meant to me: It meant my sick thinking was now under arrest; I could at last break it all down to see what was really there. The truth was documented. And, although, sharing my written inventory face-to-face with my sponsor was yet ahead, and the greater liberation of making a direct amends with the people I hurt and those who hurt me was looming, I had accomplished something important. I had “examined my ways,” in obedience to Lamentations 3:40, and I was ready to “return to the Lord.”

Folks, if you have not taken the time to complete a written inventory, I encourage you to do so. God will do a work in your heart, if you let him. Join us for Celebrate Recovery at First Baptist Dallas downtown, and commit one season of your life to getting things right, with God and with your fellow man. Do this, and I promise you, “the Truth really shall set you free.”

Living the Double Life

Luke 16:13 says, “No one can serve two masters. Either you will hate one and love the other, or you will be devoted to one and despise the other.”

This should make common sense. But for years, I couldn’t grasp the sense of it. I was selling drugs to support my own habit. I figured, as long as I didn’t get caught, no one would be the wiser. I was careful about who I talked to, and did my best to keep up appearances in public circles. But behind closed doors, I was toking up marijuana, snorting cocaine and selling what I could to keep my medicine cabinet full.

I hid the details from my clients and co-workers, family members, sons and church friends. My wife at the time was in on it, so I had a willing accomplice assisting me in managing the façade. Because I chose a life of drugs (which I considered a “victimless” crime), I continued to put on one face to the outside world and another with my drug-circle acquaintances.

I had to actively vet out “friends” during this time, choosing only fellow “druggies” as my closest associates, because any “clean” friends just wouldn’t understand. My closest associates were all as sick as I was, and some were even sicker. There were dealers in my circle who were armed and dangerous, users who were off the charts in terms of frequency of drug use and types of drugs used. Yet, I chose these people to associate with instead of “healthy” people, and I was always careful to separate the two camps.

I had drugs hidden in my home, where I could conveniently access them, and use them as soon as my children left the house to play in the yard or went to bed. I covered for my wife while she toked up, and then she’d cover for me. I remember several “close calls,” having to quickly clear drugs and paraphernalia off the table because someone walked in at an inopportune time. I carried drugs on me, and often, did them while I was driving, furtively spying to and from at intersections, and being sure to duck in and out of shadows when I chose to boldly (and foolishly) do them in public places.

My life got sicker and sicker because of my “two masters,”until my own son got busted for drugs. I got the call to pick him up at the juvenile detention center – only moments after I myself had gotten high. I was 48 years old when that happened. And, while I was driving to the jail to bail him out, trying to “sober up” enough to face the jailor and my son, I was convicted by the Holy Spirit once and for all to quit my drugged up lifestyle. I sent my son to bed after giving him a “good lecture,” then climbed into the attic and flushed my entire stash.

It was only by reaching that rock bottom that I finally woke up and quit my drugs for good. That was August of 2006.

The fact is, Celebrate Recovery had nothing directly to do with that chapter in my life. But a couple of years later, I walked into a CR meeting and discovered how I had managed to construct several “double lives.” I had bought into my own duplicity so severely, I believed I had no problems whatsoever. But there they were, revealed at the threshold of Step One: a porn addiction, time-wasting, racism, lust, over-eating, pride, critical spirit, and idolatry. I was in denial about them all, and only until I recognized the duality of my character was I able to enter the light and correct my ways.

Ask yourself earnestly, what do you love more than God? What do you want more than Him? What can you not live without? What do you refuse to let go of? Pray Psalm 139:23:

“Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.”

Be honest with yourself. If you only take this first, short, simple inventory, you will be on your way to correcting your mind and turning back to the one and only Truth you will ever need in life – Jesus Christ!

Joe

“Abstinence is NOT freedom!”

I’m not sure where I heard or read the statement, “Abstinence is NOT freedom!”, but I do remember that it struck me as profoundly true!

I can remember so vividly during my 12 years of self-medicating with alcohol, I would have as my daily goal “logging times of abstinence”. Obviously, I was trying to limit my drinking to “normal” amounts, at “normal” times of the day, on a “normal” number of days during the week and so on. The problem was, there was nothing remotely “normal” about my drinking and I knew it. It controlled me!

During that 12 year period, I was even able to stop a couple of times, once as long as a couple of years. My body repaired itself during those times but I was just as lost and doomed to relapse because I was still relying on myself. I wasn’t actively engaged in drinking but I was still obsessed with the thought of it. Surely I could have a few beers with friends, a glass of wine with dinner, an occasional cocktail at a party. In other words, I could be like everyone else! I could be a “normal” drinker! This wasn’t an occasional thought pattern during my periods of abstinence, it was every day! So, while I did abstain from drinking during those times, I wasn’t free from the obsession with it. Each time I went back to drinking, it was worse. Finally, the last time I relapsed it got so bad I knew that if I couldn’t stop it would kill me. Most days I felt that death would’ve been preferable. One day however, it wasn’t. One day, I turned in the only direction I hadn’t tried. I turned to God! I guess you could have called it a prayer. The way I remember it was a restating of the obvious to Him: acknowledging that everything I had tried, failed, and so I’d really like Him to help me if He could, but I couldn’t do it myself!

This was kind of a last ditch “shout out” to a God I wasn’t sure existed, or if He did even bothered with this sort of thing.  If He did, would He bother with me? I learned almost instantly that He does and He would!! This was my first exposure to the concept of “awe” or a word that is way overused in our world today: “awesome”. I was “awed” by the fact that my desire to drink was removed instantaneously. I literally went from being able to think of little else but drinking, to now having no desire at all from that day on for 20 years now. I began to pursue a life that would be pleasing to God, not ignore Him. I am able to do this without any consideration at all or ever again, thanks to God, of that which formerly enslaved me: drinking alcohol! I have been freed from its grip not by reason, medication, therapy, will power, or abstinence! I have been freed by placing my trust in God.

David

Mike’s Testimony: FEAR

I am Mike who is overcoming the effects of childhood sexual abuse and adult drug and alcohol addiction along with many other issues that became part of who I am because of sin, my abusive past, and my former lifestyle.

I grew up with fear from the first days of my life.

Fear attacked my mind; denying me trust, security, peace, love, joy, happiness, etc.  It prevented me from enjoying all those spiritual attributes that come from the inside, the fruits of a wonderful life, which you can only receive from a loving, living God.

My mother conceived me out of wedlock and gave me to her mother.  When she came back after marrying an alcoholic, she took me from my grandmom. The household was abusive with my parents fighting all the time.  This led to verbally, physically, and mentally destroying one another and the children. So as a child I grew up in a world of constant trauma and fear that became commonplace in my life. The separation of my mom and stepfather followed by divorce, and this was almost deadly. I didn’t know what would happen to me, and as a child the fear of living in the unknown kept me very anxious always expecting danger.

As I grew up with fear, I began to notice that in every problem and situation I experienced I’d reacted just like the adults that I grew up around. It was all based on fear: fear of the unknown, the future, fear of my past. Fear of what the end of life would look like. My mind was filled with negative words ringing in my head whenever I made an attempt to change.

Fear dominated me. I was afraid to try, afraid to decide. Whenever I was faced with a decision, I heard the voice in my head always ringing, “yes,” “no,” or “maybe.” This fear drove me o a life of drugs and alcohol, a temporary fix that took me away from my God-given purpose in life.

I didn’t want to die in my condition, a drug addict and alcoholic.

I was  getting old. So, by prayer and meditation I sought a relationship with God. I talked with God about  my life, about me. I confessed all sins, all the mess. I repented of my sins and asked God for direction. “God, show me the way to go, teach me to do your will, direct me, correct me, and protect me continually. Let your will be done in my life. I’ve tried everything, Lord. God, help me, change me.”

I began to notice change in my life as I grew in the knowledge of Jesus Christ as I practiced daily the principles of recovery CR style. My relationship grows daily as I spend time with God.

Believing in and trusting the Word of God, I pray.

I face my fears daily and I’m learning to challenge them when they surface. With my Higher Power Jesus Christ I can do all things for my God strengthens me (Philippians 4;13). Through my relationship with God I was introduced to Celebrate Recovery where I can openly deal with life’s hang-ups, habits and hurts, and anything that comes my way.