Before I could begin on my road to recovery, I had to come out of denial and face my sins from the past and the present. Celebrate Recovery is for any ‘hurt, hang-up or habit’ and so I first came to Celebrate Recovery because of a ‘hurt’ – my husband had left me for another woman, our 26 year marriage had ended and I was in pain – a pain at this point that was not as intense as it was in the beginning but a pain that was always there on some level. But I was also in denial – in denial as to my part in the failure of my marriage, in denial about my anger, and in denial about the other relationships in my life – especially with my daughters.
It wasn’t until I went through the Step Study that God brought me face to face with my denial. The first thing He showed me was my anger. Throughout my divorce, I would have told you I felt many different emotions – sadness, loss, grief – but I never felt anger. I even wondered to myself why I didn’t feel anger. Now don’t get me wrong, I did get angry at my husband from time to time over different things, but I didn’t feel that overall anger at my husband’s betrayal. Through the Step Study, God helped me to find that anger, express it in a healthy way and then give it to Him. God also gave me the courage to admit I was angry at Him – angry at God for not intervening and saving my marriage. He allowed me to express that anger to Him and then leave it there…..with Him.
I think I lived in denial about my anger out of fear…this emotion was so big and so powerful, I was afraid to express it….so I just stuffed it down so deep, that I couldn’t feel it. But once I faced it, admitted it to myself and someone I trusted and then released it to the Lord, I felt SUCH freedom….and the pain became less.
The next thing God revealed to me as I worked the steps in the Step Study was my co-dependency both with my ex-husband in the past and with my daughters in the present. God showed me how I acted as my husband’s ‘holy spirit’ as I tried to manipulate and coerce him into doing those things “I” thought God wanted him to do, rather than letting God speak to him and work in his life. My focus was not on God or what God wanted…my focus was on my marriage or my family or my husband. Focusing on these things is not a bad thing in and of itself, unless you put them before God…which was what I did…and that is SIN.
The current co-dependent behavior with my daughters was the hardest for me to see and the hardest for me to change. I would get in the middle of their squabbles and try to negotiate the peace…or if they had a problem – particularly a money problem – I would ‘fix’ it for them…or if their dad didn’t respond appropriately, I would make excuses for him thinking I was softening the blow and it wouldn’t hurt them so much. I did all of this thinking I was helping them…but God showed me I was hurting them instead by not allowing my girls to learn from their mistakes or to learn how to get along with each other and by not allowing God to work in their lives.
Why did I live in denial for so long? Out of fear…fear of an emotion that felt out of control, fear of finding out some ugly things about myself and fear of having to make changes. It is so much easier sometimes to live in denial than to face the changes that God wants us to make in our lives.
Is it better not living in a world of denial? Absolutely!! Is it hard? Absolutely!! It all comes down to taking God at His word and trusting Him – “Trust God from the bottom of your heart; don’t try to figure out everything on your own. Listen for God’s voice in everything you do, everywhere you go..” Proverbs 3:5. After coming out of denial and working through the 12 steps, I have found freedom from the pain of my past, found joy in the present and have hope for the future.
Chris
Thanks, Chris. Yes, it is better to live apart from denial. But denial feels so good sometimes. It isn’t until it starts to bite at us, that we begin to see the Devil in it. It’s one of the enemy’s most subtle deceits.